First I felt relieved. Then I felt guilty. Now I just feel empty.
Time and time again, she notices someone looking at her from across the way. She pretends to ignore them. It never bothered her that guys are checking her out because she got used to not paying attention to it. She was in a relationship for quite a long time that she didn’t have any reason to acknowledge their presence. But now that it was over, she was starting to take notice of the lingering stares more and more.
She got so good at pretending not to notice those covert glances that it was almost second nature to her to keep doing it. In time, she will have to stop herself from being so rigid. One day, she will have to let go. One day, she will have to learn to take it in stride.
“I imagined that I bore my chalice safely through a throng of foes” – James Joyce, Araby
There were days when I don’t cry for months. And then there are times when tears just gush in torrents down my face.
I can’t seem to find the strength or sanity to stop bawling lately.
In bed as sleep eludes me for the hundredth time, in the shower as I am getting ready for work and while sitting in the toilet, rivulets of tears just spill themselves with the faintest of triggers. A memory there, an image here or a haunting song from a distant past assailing the ears. Even as I am writing these sad thoughts down, a melancholic soundtrack from a Korean drama is playing softly in the background.
Every aspect in my life seems to be unraveling in front of my eyes. The job, which has been a point of pride then, is now a constant source of stress. So much so that I’d lose sleep and my body refused to function properly. The relationship, which has been stagnant for years, seem to deteriorate with the speed of light. Health-wise, apart from the lack of sleep and the asthma never too far behind, stress has elevated to greater heights than ever before. And since I’m away from my family, there is no comforting shoulder to be had.
Wondering how I can possible survive this adds even more stress to the mix. It’s only a matter of time now before I implode in epic fashion.
I will wring my hands and continue to shed copious amount of tears until reason or death dictates otherwise, so help me God!
Pudgy’s bedroom, Mandaue, Nov. 25, 2012
“You see, one loves the sunset when one is so sad.”
― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince
How can you feel so alone with a room full of people? What are you so desperately looking for exactly? Why is it that you keep reaching for something you can’t grasp? When will you ever fill that void inside you?
Questions like these are constant repeats in your mind. Like a horrendously bad movie on an endless loop inside your head.
You have your friends. They weave in and out leaving strings that criss-cross throughout the fabric of your life. One by one, they set forth unto the world and leave behind memories of laughters and tears.
Your family is your rock. They support you when the foundations of your life are falling apart and crashing all around you. When nothing else made sense, they give comfort and and a place to call home.
People you have said your goodbyes to keep haunting you. They shimmer bright like ghosts partially and fleetingly visible in their translucency. They show themselves when you least except them to and disappear when you need them the most. Words left unspoken hung in the breathless air, misty and cold.
The sun has set for you. Happiness has left you. Emptiness becomes you. Wind echoes through you leaving your soul bereft and hollow. You feel nothing. You love nothing. You become the nothingness that you feel. You wait for darkness to swallow you up.
But one day, the sun will come shining through again. Someone, somewhere out there will extend a helping hand to yank you out of the chasm you crawled into. And then, you will have hope bursting from your heart and a loving smile to give to the world. Until then, hold on that last sunset and believe that your light will glow from within you once more.