Archive for the ‘Hushed’ Category

Raw

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I want nothing more than to lock myself in my room and cry until all the pain has left my body and all that remains is numbness. Knowing that its familiar views are numbered, I take a few, long looks of myself, my room, and the house. I can feel fresh new cracks in my heart.  I can hear the distant bell chiming the beginning of the end. I can taste the bittersweet memories in my mouth.

Change is never easy. It is a terrible monster that lurks in the shadows, biding its time. Sometimes it comes swiftly like a thief in the night. Most creep ever so slowly until it’s practically right in front of your face, about to pounce. There’s nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. Change comes to us all, whether our arms are stretched wide open to welcome it or we are cowering in the darkness. Like death and taxes, it is an inevitable force.

If we don’t embrace it, what are we afraid of? If we don’t take a leap of faith, then what are we alive for?

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Of What-ifs and Maybes

It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.

―Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

You thought you had it under control. You thought you had already healed. You thought you have shoved the pain so deep, nothing less than kingdom come could ever dredge up all those memories from the deepest recesses of your subconscious. You were wrong!

All it took was a word or two and someone somehow managed to drag all the pain back to light. Like a freshly opened wound, the throbbing starts, the emotion swells; before you know what hits you, you are on your knees again, writhing in agony and crying your heart out.

Will it take another ten years to numb the pain again? Will the memories ever fade? Will the tears eventually run dry? Will the scars remain? Will you keep perpetually reliving all the unspoken words and opportunities lost?

The pain will never end. The maybes and what ifs still linger just below the surface, lurking out of sight, biding its time, and waiting for another chance to inflict more damage and bring new cracks to your carefully veiled facade.

Until then, the heart still bleeds and the pain endures. Love abides!

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Untethered

“And hey, what’s this roaring sound, whooshing past what I’m suddenly gonna call my head? Wind! Is that a good name? It’ll do.”

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

Is this what it feels like to be unbroken, unattached, and unrestrained?

The chains around my feet finally fell away. I could feel my soul rising, the soles of my shoes lightly kissing the ground before lifting off from the earth. My heart burst forth as it floated yonder, buoyed by the swell of my emotions.

Like a solitary balloon, I rise steadily upwards. My fingers caressing the soft fluffy clouds as I held my hands aloft. The cool crisp air fills my lungs, and for the first time in a long, long time, I could breathe again.

Gone are the shackles that held me back. I taste the freedom that has been denied me for so long. My dreams are within arm’s reach, and there would be no one there to say no as I take them. I’ve never felt more alive in years. The places I want to visit and people I want to see are no longer distant desires. Endless possibilities are shimmering before me like starlights.

How did I let myself be imprisoned by fear? It is time to push back the veil of darkness and doubts. The era of oppression is over. I grasp freedom firmly by its neck, and I will never let it go. As I climb higher up the cosmos, my light will shine brighter, whether somebody would be there to catch my fall or not!

In the immortal words of one so utterly reviled, “Don’t let your dreams be dreams. Just do it!”

And so I shall!

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Jaded Journal #1

“People are afraid to pursue their most important dreams because they feel that they don’t deserve them, or that they’ll be unable to achieve them.”

― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

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Not all those in a long-term relationship are happy, just like not all those who wander are lost. Sometimes being with someone familiar for years is a slow and painful death. The years hack away at your soul until there is nothing left but a sad echo of yourself.

Sometimes you convince yourself that he’s all right. He has never hurt you on purpose. He has never been intentionally mean to you. He never raised a hand at you. He never talked back at you in every fight you’ve had. He shared with you everything he possessed. He is the most nonviolent person you have ever met.

Still, something’s nagging at the back of your mind. It’s not enough. You think you deserve more.

You tried to change him. Make him act his age. Make him see things from your perspective. You tried pleading with him, tried to bargain with him, even nagged him time and time again. Nothing worked. He still doesn’t realize that you wanted him to be better than he is, because you only want what’s best for him.

You’re at the end of your rope. He has succeeded in making you into someone that you’re not. You hate being you when you are with him. He made you say mean things to whip him into shape. You throw things at him and became a totally crazy person. Your moods go up and down many times a day because of something he said or did.

His little gestures and quirks, that you once thought were cute, irks you to no end. He never quits monkeying around. He never lets up doing or saying something that annoys you, every single minute of every day.

You start looking back at the last ten years of your life, and it felt like hell on earth. You still remember the time when your world did not have him in it. Yet those were distant memories shimmering against the dying light of day. You can’t remember a time when you had been truly at peace with him for the longest time. The frequent little adventures you had long ago were reduced to buying groceries twice a month and eating out occasionally, if you were lucky.

You spent months and years in bed sleeping, while he played games on his computer. Sometimes you wish he never stops, because only then, did it give you some reprieve from his childish antics. Sometimes you look at him while he is sleeping and wonder how you could have ever thought yourself to be so lucky to find such an uncomplicated and unassuming man. Your relatively drama-free life together felt like a vise on your throat, slowly choking the life out of you, year after year.

He is not perfect. He never will be. And yet, you still  compare him to other guys half his age who have finally decided to grow up and act like an adult. He doesn’t have money saved up even for a light drizzle, let alone for a rainy day. He has no plans for the future, not even for the next forty-eight hours.

How can you ever trust someone who thinks you will be together forever but does nothing to ensure that promise? When will you have enough courage to leave? What do you look forward to when you are stuck forever in a toxic sludge of indifference? Why is it that every time you look deeply into his eyes, all you see is your own disappointment staring back at you? Will you get excited over the prospect of spending some alone time together? Or will you find yourself crossing a bridge, stepping over the railing, and jumping off into the churning waters below?

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